Is Your Toddler Scared of the Dark? They’re Probably Racist
Have you ever wondered why your toddler is afraid of the dark? The usual reason people think their toddler gets scared at night is...
View ArticleNew Housemate Thinks You’ll Love His Society
When Seán arrived in the Fresher’s Tent at the start of the week, he was immediately accosted by his new housemate, Barry, who seemed...
View ArticleMichael D. Higgins Expenses Revealed!
The Turbine has single-handedly managed to get a hold of a leaked report on the current president’s expenses that was prepared for a private...
View ArticleDuffy to Install Live Dragon at Áras an Uachtaráin if Elected President
In one of the more surprising announcements to come out of the Ploughing Championships in Offaly last week, presidential hopeful Gavin Duffy raised the...
View ArticleSports Minister Shane Ross Accidentally Pledges Increased Sports Funding to...
In the latest name foul-up for the Minister for Sport, Shane Ross issued a press release this morning pledging to increase the funding currently...
View ArticleLeprechaun Sues Pride Movement for Stealing Rainbow
Imagine being a poor leprechaun struggling to deal with the difficulty of trying to hide your gold in a country experiencing a massive population boom, but then the symbol you use for marking your...
View ArticleGone Viral: CoronaVirus Shocked at Newfound Popularity
After his recent explosion in popularity, The Turbine spoke to the newfound chinese superstar, CoronaVirus. In recent weeks, Mr. Corona has been spreading like an epidemic and gained recognition from...
View ArticleUCD Launches New Scheme to Address Campus Rents, called the “Don’t Be Poor”...
News of the “Don’t be Poor” scheme has surged across UCD like a Haitian tsunami engulfing conversation by conversation in a tidal wave of offense and outrage. The plan, which seeks to eliminate all...
View ArticleUCD Would Have Gotten Away with the Increases if it Weren’t for those...
Speaking exclusively to the Turbine after the recent tent actions by UCD students, an anonymous source on the University Management Team admitted that “It was US that rent gouged the students, and we...
View ArticleBelfield Swans Forced to Offer up their Children to Afford Living on Campus
UCD’s rising rents aren’t just affecting students, the Turbine has learned. In conversation with the swans of UCD’s very own lakes, we learned that they themselves were forced to cough up more in...
View ArticleUCD SWANS HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH COMMUNIST SWAN BOTS
In the early hours of Tuesday morning, the Turbine was informed by an anonymous caller that the swans currently residing in the UCD lake have been entirely replaced by robotic swans overnight. To...
View ArticleStudents’ Union Achieves Nothing for “Record Breaking” 8th Year in a Row
UCD Students’ Union has surpassed all expectations and has achieved absolutely nothing this year. The news comes after SU Officers announced all the many things they haven’t achieved this year during...
View ArticleBREAKING: UCD Arts student reveals he “isn’t a communist”
During the past week rumours that an arts student might not be a communist have been spreading like the plague through the Newman building. While that student’s name will not be released to protect the...
View ArticleStudent Spends Record Breaking 3 Weeks Staring at Blank Page
When Barry O’Donnell sat down in mid-March to write his latest assignment, few could have imagined that he would make absolutely no progress in the next 3 weeks. In a feat of near unimaginable...
View ArticleTurbine: Archaeology Student Only In It For The Money Gets A BIG SHOCK
Archaeology students across UCD were shocked yesterday upon finding out that the average entry-level pay for archaeology students was on average a mere €12.50 an hour, This has caused half of the Arts...
View ArticleTurbine: “We haven’t protested anything in weeks”; Students cite ‘protesting’...
A recent poll run by UCD’s most prestigious newspaper; the Deekian Journal, sought to find out what activities students missed most about college during the COVID-19 lockdown. The survey, which was...
View ArticleTurbine: Don’t Worry, UCD Will Still Make A Profit!
With the ongoing lockdown of the country extended until May 5th, the country will remain at a complete standstill for weeks to come. That means essential workers only can travel to work, there are no...
View ArticleTurbine Now Officially A Pro-Deeks Paper
As the Editor of the Turbine, the only UCD paper not to have been sued in the last 2 years, I feel it is necessary to officially state something that has been on our minds for many weeks. I would...
View ArticleExclusive Interview with Our Lord and Saviour, The UCD Prez Himself | Turbine
The Turbine chatted with the Prez on a Zoom call, touching on everything from movies and food to how he beats the blues! Q: What’s your favourite time of day? A: I much prefer the night time – I’m...
View ArticleUCD President Revealed As The Emperor | Turbine
Shock rang out around Belfield campus today, as the galaxy’s most notorious villain was revealed to work at UCD. Following months of undercover investigation, The Turbine can now confirm that UCD’s...
View Article